


Bittersweet

by kronette



Series: Doctor's Orders [5]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: F/M, Love Triangles, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-31
Updated: 2012-12-31
Packaged: 2017-11-23 04:02:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/617865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kronette/pseuds/kronette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part 5 of Doctor's Orders. Julian makes a choice, but setbacks strain the relationship to the breaking point.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bittersweet

**Author's Note:**

> One other note of thanks and copyrighting. The character of Dariellah Maxwell belongs to Bartricia Williams. She's currently appearing in a sweeping saga called "Paradox." Check it out; it's great! Thanks for letting me borrow her, Trish!
> 
> Originally posted 1996 under my real name.

Garak wandered up to Julian in the Replimat a few weeks later.

"May I join you?"

The uplifted mug froze halfway to Julian's lips. Julian's wide eyes looked up at Garak, their contents shuttered. "Of course."

Tilting his head in acknowledgment, Garak slipped into the chair across from Julian. "I hate to intrude on your lunch..."

"I'm not eating," Julian answered, motioning with the PADD in his hand. "Just grabbing a quick break."

"Ah. Been busy?" Garak asked, his tone light.

"Yes," Julian replied curtly.

"Late nights?" Garak inquired, studying his hands.

The mug banged onto the table, sloshing tea on the tabletop. "None of your damn business," Julian hissed.

"Did I touch a nerve, doctor? I've seen you two around the station. Everyone's talking about it," he alluded slyly.

Julian leveled his gaze at the Cardassian across from him, but refused to take the bait.

"Talking about how you're just a substitute for Keiko, that Chief O'Brien is just using you until she returns," Garak moved in closer, his voice dropping to barely a breath, "That he's always entering you, never the other way-"

"Enough!" Julian seethed as quietly as he could. Already they were attracting stares. "My private life is just that; private. You gave up claims to that about a month ago, as I recall." Julian's eyes narrowed to slits as he stood. "I'll thank you to stay out of my life."

"Julian, is there a problem?" Miles asked, coming up behind the doctor and glaring at the Cardassian.

Garak returned the engineer's stare, his eyes glittering. "None that I am aware of, Chief," he commented snidely.

"Garak was just updating me on  _our_ personal life," Julian explained, his voice hard and cold.

"I was merely asking a simple question, doctor," Garak interjected.

"Which was?" Miles prompted, despite every bone in his body warning him not to ask. He stepped in front of Julian, half-blocking his view of Garak.

"It's not worth it, Miles," Julian whispered to him.

"Doctor, if the Chief wants to know, it is his right. I merely asked if you've ever had the pleasure..." Garak let his voice trail off, giving a meaningful glance to Julian, his eyes dropping to his groin.

Miles flushed deeply, but Julian wrapped his arms around Miles' waist, spooning himself into the engineer's back. One hand strayed to Miles' uniform opening, the other remained at his waist. "You mean like this, Garak?" he hissed, his eyes locked on Garak's as he kissed just below Miles's ear.

Miles crossed his arms, covering Julian's hands in the process and directing them a bit lower. "I think he gets the picture, Julian." He continued glaring at Garak.

Julian merely smiled at the Cardassian, a satisfied smile, an in-love smile.

"We - have to be going now, Garak. Good-bye," Julian said cheerily, leaving an arm around Miles' waist as they strode out of the Replimat together.

Garak watched them go, a brief look of longing in his eyes quickly replaced by deep sadness. Sighing heavily, he pushed himself up from the table and made his way wearily back to his shop.

***

Miles stopped just inside the doorway to Julian's quarters.

"Why in the bloody hell did you talk to him?" he demanded, pacing around the room.

Julian's brow was drawn together tightly, his jaw clenched. "I had no idea  _that_ was what he wanted to talk about, Miles. If I had known, I would never have spoken to him." He stepped in front of Miles. "But, since he did, you know what I've discovered?" he asked seductively, much to the Irishman's astonishment.

"What?" Miles whispered, recognizing the look in Julian's eyes and the bulge of his erection.

"That I love you," Julian breathed, for once, tears of joy shining in his eyes.

They were in each others' arms in an instant, mouths and hands working overtime. Clothing was tossed impatiently aside, the table was shoved into the couch, and they were on the floor, writhing in ecstacy.

Kissing every inch of Miles' body, Julian whispered, "I love you," over and over again, the words sounding wonderful to his own ears.

Miles grabbed Julian's head and kissed him, then looked deeply into those mahogany depths. "I love you, Julian," he emphasized again, the words nearly catching in his throat.

"Miles," Julian breathed, covering his mouth and slipping his tongue inside, keeping time with the thrust of his hips.

Grunting and moaning, first Miles, then Julian climaxed, showering each other with their fluids.

Julian rolled off Miles, panting heavily. A wide smile broke over his face. "I love you," he said again, his voice filled with wonderment. He started laughing, rolling back on top of Miles and smiling down at him. "I love you! And you love - me," he added, his voice growing very soft.

"I told you you were lovable," Miles chided him gently, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he smiled.

"I never believed it until you came along," Julian answered, his smile dimming considerably. His expression grew serious. "Miles, you don't know what you've given me. Thank you."

"Thank me?" Miles blinked in wonderment. "You really have no idea, do you?"

"What?" Julian asked, curious at the seriousness of Miles' tone.

Miles smiled tenderly at the young man. "Julian Subatoi Bashir, everyone loves you. We were just waiting for you to realize it." He kissed him softly. "What's say we get off this hard floor. My back's gonna be sore."

Julian grinned wickedly. "I'll give you a backrub," he suggested huskily.

Miles snorted, getting to his feet. "The last 'back rub' you gave me lasted nearly an hour." He tried to sound stern, but erotic memories brought a stupid grin to his face instead.

"Hmm, then we'll think of other ways to spend the afternoon," Julian mused, walking over to Miles and "accidentally" brushing against him.

"Julian," Miles growled, and chased the doctor into the bedroom.

****

"Sisko to O'Brien."

"Not  _now_ " Julian groaned, holding a pillow over his ear. He had finally gotten to sleep, after he and Miles had thoroughly exhausted each other.

Groggily, Miles fumbled for his commbadge and activated it. "O'Brien here."

"Sorry if I woke you Chief, but I wanted to let you know..."

The hesitancy in Sisko's voice put both Julian and Miles on alert. Julian laid a hand on Miles' shoulder.

"What is it, Captain?" Miles asked with trepidation.

"A shuttle is scheduled to arrive from Bajor in an hour. Keiko O'Brien is a passenger." Sisko's voice was soft, as if speaking the news quietly, it wouldn't be as bad.

It didn't work.

"Thank you sir. O'Brien out." Miles tossed his badge across the room. "Damn her!"

"She can come to the station if she wants, right?" Julian tried to rationalize. "I mean, it's a nice vacation from Bajor."

"Like hell it's a vacation. She probably wants to 'talk'." Miles made quoting motions with his hands at 'talk.'

Julian went ashen. "Aren't you separated?"

"Of course we are! That doesn't mean we aren't still married though," Miles explained. Seeing Julian's crushed expression, he drew the younger man into his arms.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way. I love  _you,_ " Miles stressed, kissing Julian's cheek.

Julian wrapped his arms around Miles, drawing their bodies close together. "I don't want to lose you," he murmured into Miles' chest.

"You won't," Miles assured him. "You won't."

****

"Keiko." Miles nodded at his wife as she stepped out of the airlock.

"Miles," she exclaimed brightly, walking toward him with a smile.

Miles kept his distance; kept his hands folded behind him. "Keiko, you remember Julian?" he nodded to his right, where Julian stood, a bit pale but steady on his feet.

"Keiko," Julian nodded politely.

Keiko looked from her husband to Julian, and back again. "Miles, what's happened?" she asked, feeling uneasy.

"Maybe it's best if we discuss this in my quarters," Julian looked to Miles. At the engineer's nod, Julian started off down the corridor, leaving Miles and Keiko time to talk privately.

"Miles, what is going on? Why is Doctor Bashir with - oh God, you're not sick, are you?" she asked, giving him a quick once-over.

Miles assured her, "No, I'm not sick. I'm perfectly fine. I'll explain why Julian was with me once we get to Julian's quarters."

They stopped while Julian thumbed the release, then they all stepped inside. Keiko's gaze swept the room, seeing a few of Miles' things on the table. Tools, and one of Molly's paintings on the wall.

"What is going on?" she demanded, feeling something tickling at the back of her mind.

"Sit down," Miles instructed her gently, helping her into a chair. He sat down on the couch, next to Julian. Keiko didn't miss the intense look Miles gave Julian just before he settled next to him.

"Keiko, we've been separated for a few months now..."

"A  _temporary_ separation," Keiko reminded him, the tickling growing stronger.

"We've been separated," Miles put deliberate stress on the words. "And...I've found someone." His hand slid into Julian's.

Keiko followed Miles' hand, saw the reassuring squeeze come from the doctor's darker hand. Her mind processed all this with clinical precision. "Who?" she demanded quietly, not letting them off the hook so easily.

"Julian," Miles declared, his voice strong and steady.

Keiko felt calmness permeate her. "Very well. You'll have the same visitations with Molly as before. I guess I'll let the Bajorans know I'll be accepting their post," she informed them calmly. She stood. "I'll leave you two alone."

"Keiko!" Miles leapt to his feet, worried. "What-"

She whirled to face him, her face a stormy rage. "What? Did you expect me to break down, beg you to take me back or some other nonsense? I've had a year to get used to being on my own, Miles O'Brien. And I have news for you: I  _like_ it. If you two are happy, so be it. I wish you well. But don't expect me to fall apart, Miles." Keiko straightened her back, threw back her shoulders and strode out the door, never looking back.

Miles stared dumbfounded at the closed door for several seconds, then felt a warm hand on his shoulder.

"You okay?" Julian's softly accented voice asked.

"I think so," Miles murmured, reaching to cover Julian's hand with his own.

Julian rested his chin on Miles' shoulder. "We'll be okay," he said, more to himself.

****

"Benjamin, what's wrong?" Dariellah asked, her concern shining in her dark eyes. She ignored the delicious food he had prepared and focused her attention on the man across from her.

Benjamin rested his elbows on the table, his food forgotten also. "It's Miles and Julian," he admitted with a sigh. "Ever since they got together, they've had one setback after another."

"And Keiko returned today," Dariellah stated, shaking her head. "It seems happiness is a rare gift around here."

Sisko leaned back in his chair, letting out a breath. "It sure does sometimes, doesn't it?" he mused staring off into nothing.

Rousing himself, he began picking at his food. "You really should try that blackfish," he pointed with his fork.

"Blackfish? You're concerned about blackfish when four people's lives might be crashing down around their heads?" Dariellah demanded, her eyes blazing.

"Four? Where did you get four?" Benjamin demanded. "Bashir, O'Brien, Keiko..."

"And Garak," she informed him, tossing her napkin on the tabletop and rising from her chair. "Garak has been stomped on through this entire thing. You don't know what it took him to be able to admit his feelings to Julian. You don't know what he sacrificed."

Benjamin stared up at Dariellah's angry stance, then rose himself. "And you don't know the anguish Julian went through, deciding between Miles and Garak. Two of his best friends."

They glared at one another, neither wanting to admit they might be wrong. Finally, Dariellah relaxed her stance.

"No, I don't know what Julian went through. But if you had seen Garak..."

"And if you had seen Julian..." Benjamin interrupted her, sighing. "I guess both of us just wanted to protect a friend."

That brought a smile to Dariellah's face. "Garak? A friend? Well, I admit he's interesting..."

"That's how Julian started," Benjamin teased.

She glared at him. "Benjamin..." she threatened teasingly.

He walked over to her, slipping his arms about her waist. "As long as you and Garak remain  _friends_ , we'll have no trouble." He lightly kissed her cheek, working his way up her jawline.

Her eyes closed, her neck stretching to allow him better access. "I think I can handle that," she murmured, working her hands inside his uniform.

"Good," Benjamin growled, capturing her mouth with his.

****

Several months later...

"How is she, Miles?" Julian asked, coming into the living room.

Miles was studying a PADD intensely. "Fine," he answered distractedly.

Julian sat down, leaning against Miles' shoulder to see the picture on the PADD better. "Looks just like her mother," he commented lightly.

"Yes she does," Miles whispered, a fingertip tracing his absent daughter's cheek. "She'll be arriving in two days," he reminded the doctor.

Julian nodded. "I know. She's all you've talked about for weeks."

"Have I? I - I hadn't noticed," Miles answered, a flush starting along his fair cheeks.

"Miles." At Julian's forceful tone, Miles looked up. "I know you've been thinking about her a lot lately. I know you miss her."

Miles began to protest, but Julian interrupted him. "No, you need to hear this. Miles," Julian took his hand, "I know you received divorce papers a long time ago. I also know you never signed them. I can check official records as well as the next man," he explained at Miles' expression. "I began asking myself why you wouldn't have signed them; obviously, you didn't want a divorce."

"I did!" Miles protested.

"I know you  _did_ ," Julian replied quietly, "but do you  _now_?"

Miles fell silent, shifting his gaze away from Julian's intense stare. "I don't know," he admitted.

Julian's eyes closed briefly before he continued. "I thought that would be your answer. I've felt certain - feelings from you for awhile now. I had begun to wonder what was wrong. Then this communiqué came," he pointed to the PADD. "Keiko returning with Molly for a weeks' vacation to DS9."

"It's just a vacation," Miles protested weakly.

"No, it's not," Julian retorted softly. "I accidentally read a letter she sent you last week. I know she's interested in working things out. She wouldn't have asked to see you if she hadn't already gotten word that we weren't together," Julian's voice began to crack.

Miles wrapped his arms around the young man, stroking his back. Tears were shining in his eyes. "Julian, I didn't know how to tell you. I just kept thinking of Keiko, and the good times, and realized the bad times weren't so bad. It was just the distance. And if we could solve that problem..."

"You could work everything out," Julian finished, murmuring into Miles' shoulder.

"Yes," Miles whispered. "I never meant for you to find out this way. I was going to tell you myself."

"When?" Julian demanded, suddenly angry. "After Keiko arrived? After she moved back into your quarters? Your bed?" He disentangled himself from Miles' embrace. "Miles, what you did to me was unforgivable."

"What _I_ did to  _you_?" Miles spat, rising to his feet. "Okay, I lied, but so did you! You've been acting all lovey-dovey and you  _knew_ this!"

Julian stood, glaring at the engineer. "Don't you turn this back to me, Miles O'Brien.  _You're_ the one who has the wife;  _you're_ the one who was secretly talking to her, trying to salvage your  _doomed_ relationship," he cracked sarcastically.

"'Doomed' is it?" Miles growled. "No, Julian,  _this_ relationship was doomed the minute we got together! I should have listened to myself."

"Maybe you should have," Julian replied coldly. "I'll have my things out of here by tonight. I'll have your things transported back to your quarters." He turned to the door, then stopped. "I hope I never see you again, Miles O'Brien." He continued out the door, down the corridor to his own quarters.

Once inside, he began gathering all of Miles' things and piling them into a box he found in his closet. He didn't stop to notice his shaking hands or the silent tears sliding down his face.

****

" _Who's_ back on DS9?" Dariellah asked Benjamin over the subspace link.

Benjamin sighed. "Keiko. She and Miles have patched things up, and Julian's back to his own quarters."

"How is he doing?" she asked, tilting her head to the side.

"Not so good," Sisko admitted, folding his hands in front of the tiny viewscreen. "He's performing his duty fine, but at staff meetings, the air is as cold as ice."

"I can imagine," Dariellah commented softly. She looked up suddenly, her eyes bright. "I love you Benjamin," she whispered.

"I love you, Dariellah," he replied intensely. "I'll see you in a few weeks."

"All right. You better have that new recipe ready for me," she reminded him, blowing him a kiss before signing off.

Benjamin leaned back in his couch, praying that he would never have to face losing Dariellah.

****

With a command, Julian instructed the computer to alert him of any emergencies and strode to the Replimat for lunch. As he had so often in the last few weeks, as he looked around the room, he felt overwhelmingly sad. Unable to take it, he went instead to Quark's, where the bar was surprisingly quiet.

"Slow day?" Julian commented as he slid onto a bar stool.

"Slow month," Quark complained, pouring the doctor some tea. "What brings you around, doctor?"

"Lunch. I'm starving," Julian replied with a smile that didn't reach his eyes. He placed his order, watching while it appeared in the replicator.

"By the way," he began casually, "how has Garak been?"

Quark set the dish in front of Julian, giving the young man a strange look. "Why would you ask about Garak?"

"I can be curious about him, can't I?" Julian replied lightly, trying not to show too much interest in the tailor's life.

"Well," Quark leaned an elbow on the bar, "Last I heard he was doing quite well."

"Last you heard? He hasn't been in in awhile?" Julian inquired, sipping his soup.

Quark laughed lightly. "You have been out of the rumor loop, haven't you, doctor?" He pointed across the Promenade. "He left for Vorgon III nearly two weeks ago. Seems the royal family of the House of someone-or-other wanted a full time tailor. He accepted the position."

Julian turned toward the tailor shop, absolutely positive that Quark had the story wrong. Garak wouldn't leave DS9. It was his home. His only home. But as the doctor's eyes swept the boarded up shop, he felt a sharp sense of loss.

"He's gone," he whispered.

"I'm afraid so. Doctor, where are you going? Hey, you didn't pay for...never mind. It's on me," Quark finished quietly, after glimpsing the doctor's face as he left.

****

Three days later...

Commander Sisko greeted the new arrival warmly. "Welcome back. It's been a long time."

"It has, hasn't it," the other man agreed, his eyes drinking up the sight of the strange, beautiful architecture. "But I heard some rather disturbing news, and..."

"No need to say any more. I'm sure Julian will be delighted to see you," Sisko extended his arm, accompanying the man to crew quarters. Sisko's voice dropped to confidentiality levels as he said, "Julian has locked himself in his quarters. He hasn't come out in days. No one has been able to get through to him. We're all worried," he admitted.

The man with him shook his head. "Julian was always too sensitive for his own good," he mused.

"Possibly," Sisko said, "But this goes beyond sensitivity. He's been through so much in such a short period of time. Losing both his best friends, losing two lovers..." Sisko's voice trailed off as they reached the crew habitat level.

Sisko switched to polite conversation. "You're looking well," he commented.

"I'm feeling well. Better than I have in years," the other man smiled, though the smile didn't quite reach his pale eyes. "Ah, here we are. Thank you, Commander, for meeting me. I believe I can take it from here."

With a nod, Sisko left the man in the corridor, his hand hesitating near the chime.

"Go away," Julian yelled at whoever had buzzed his door.

The chime sounded again, and with an angry toss, Julian shattered a glass against the door. "I said go away!"

Again, the chime sounded, and Julian raised a bottle. "I said  _GO_..." his hand paused mid-throw as the door slid open.

"Doctor, please put that down," Garak instructed Julian, stepping into the doctor's quarters.

The bottle crashed to the floor. "Garak?" Julian whispered. "Is that really you?"

Garak smiled his most famous smile at his friend. "Yes, it is really me. I took that job on Vorgon III, thinking the distance and work would allow me to forget about you. Instead, I found myself thinking of you more." He stepped closer to the young man, who was wavering on his feet.

"Julian, when I took myself out of contention with Chief O'Brien, I thought I was doing the right thing. You would have someone who could love you, and whom you could love. Your happiness was more important to me than my own. That's never happened to me before, Julian," Garak admitted. He stepped even closer, so close that he could see the green and gold flecks in the doctor's wide eyes. "I didn't think I could love anyone, but I can."

"Garak? What are you saying?" Julian held his breath, afraid of the answer, afraid it might be what he had been hoping for - wishing for all those months...

"I love you, Julian," Garak whispered, tenderly stroking Julian's cheek with a fingertip. He kissed him lightly, a thin sliver of tears running along his eyeridge.

"Oh, Elim," Julian breathed, "I love you too. I never thought I'd get to tell you. Quark told me you had left, and I saw your shop...empty..." his voice broke, the tears making his image of Garak swim before him.

Garak shushed him. "I knew it anyway, Julian. That is why I resigned my post. That is why I returned to DS9. I cannot stay away from you, doctor. You are part of me. Here," he raised Julian's hand to his chest, holding it over his heart.

"And you are part of me," Julian raised Garak's hand to his own chest.

"Do you know what we just did?" Garak asked hesitantly, fear shining from his pale eyes.

Julian smiled. "I think we just performed a basic Cardassian mating ceremony, unless I'm mistaken."

"And you're all right with that?" the Cardassian asked, holding his breath.

Julian's smile grew wider. "I can honestly say, Elim, that I am  _wonderful_ with that." He kissed him. "I feel wonderful." He kissed Garak again. "I'm in love with a spy!" he laughed, kissing Garak with more and more urgency.

"I am not a spy," Garak protested, wrapping his arms around Julian and pulling him against his broad chest.

"Of course you're not," Julian agreed, kissing Garak's jaw. "Have I welcomed you back to DS9 yet?" he kissed the Cardassian's ear.

"Mm," Garak murmured, intent on the ear he was sucking on. "I don't believe so."

"Let's say we make this a very,  _very_ grand welcome back for you, my Cardassian friend." Julian pulled back to look into Garak's eyes. "My Cardassian mate."

"My mate," Garak echoed, as they fell together onto the couch.

The End


End file.
